if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
