Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
