dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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