is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
