Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
