I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
