did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Randomize
