if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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