Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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