Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
