As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
