Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
