Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
