oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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