she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
