omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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