girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
