Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
