I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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