My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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