No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
