and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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