i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
it's great music for shaving your balls
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
