Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
