watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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