her vagina looked like bernie madoff
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
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