I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
