I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
