I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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