I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
