Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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