what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
