Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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