No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
