I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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