I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
