You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Randomize
