she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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