I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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