Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
