I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
