If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
