I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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