He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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