i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
