If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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