There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
