go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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