i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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