dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
