It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
