Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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