So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
