After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
