I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
