So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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