I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
